Many men today find themselves going through divorce, and unfortunately, separated from their children. For many years the courts regularly awarded custody to mothers because it was believed that children would benefit more from being with their mothers. While times are changing, and fathers are starting to win custody battles, there are still many divorced men who love their children but only get to see them a few times a month or even a year.
The saying "anyone can be a father, but not everyone can be a dad" holds true. A man can father a child through a physical act, but once the child is born, he becomes a dad. A dad is the head of his household, the spiritual leader, the disciplinarian, the strong arms that reassure a child, and the child's protector. Divorce changes that by making those duties a part time job, only done every other weekend, or when it is agreed upon that the father will have his children.
It doesn't have to be this way, and it should not be this way. Being a dad is a full time job, 24 hours a day, 365 days per year, no matter how many days he spends with his children or how far apart they are. There are ways of doing it successfully so that the father builds strong, normal relationships with his children, earning their respect and the coveted title of Dad.
Protect Children From Divorce Details
Divorce is never pleasant and children always suffer the most. One parent will leave – often the father – the family and the children are exposed to many arguments and discussions between the parents. Many times the children are uprooted and forced to move, leaving friends, family, and what they know as home behind.
Keep children away from the details of the divorce. Whether it be infidelity, financial woes, or some other reason, the children should always be the priority, and should not be exposed to the details. Details of divorce do not concern them and are private matters between the mother and father. What needs to be told to the children is that their mother and father love them very much and that they will both always be there for them and support them.
Never argue in front of the children and do not, under any circumstances, talk badly about their mother to them, especially if children are very young. Young children tend to be protective of their mothers, as their mother is the person who takes care of them most of the time. A father will lose the respect of his children by bad talking their mother to them. When it is the father's turn to have his children, the focus should be on the children, not on child support, the reason for divorce, or anything divorce related.
Make Home a Home for Children of Divorce
When the divorced father finds himself single again, often times he will end up in an apartment, and financially worse off than prior to the divorce. Despite these difficulties, the father should make his home his child's home as well. Photos of the children in happy times should be displayed, and they should have their own things in that home for the times they spend there. The father has a new home, the children have two homes. The father does not go back to his college bachelor days. He still has a huge role in the lives and development of his children.
The father needs to reestablish his role as head of his new household, establish rules for his home, carry on family traditions or start new ones, and be sure his children are provided for. It is not the cost of the furniture, whether it is a house or an apartment, or whether it is big or small that matter. What matters most is that the new home is a loving and nurturing environment where the children can begin to make happy memories with their father under the new circumstances.
Divorced Fathers Should Always be There for Kids
Fathers need to always be available for their children, especially if they live far apart. It is the father's responsibility to stay in contact with his children and involved in what is going on in their daily lives. Fathers cannot get upset if they do not hear from their children every day – they are children, with short attention spans and short-term memories. A father needs to let his children know he loves them, and open the lines of communication so that his children know they can call him any time of the day or night if they need to.
If the children are in their teenage years, communication is of utmost importance. Having open lines of communication where the child can go to the father with any problem or concern he or she has at any time goes a long way in establishing a solid bond between father and child and helps the child through the difficult teen years.
The father is the spiritual head of his household and needs to guide his children appropriately in living correctly in this world. Fathers do not need to lecture, but to listen to what their children are saying and guide them appropriately, going over pros and cons of situations that arise.
Most importantly, the father has to let his children know that they have the option of living with him at any time. This does not mean that the child is permitted to jump from house to house when he does not get his way. If, however, the child's living conditions take a turn for the worse, or he wants to live with his father, he should be welcomed with open doors and open arms. The bottom line; always be there for the child.
A Divorced Dad Must Lead by Example
The most important thing a father can do, whether he sees his children once a week or once a year, is to be an example to the kids. Children, whether young or in their teen years, learn by example. It is through the father's actions, not his words, that respect is earned. He should stand by his word, doing what he says he will do, honoring his commitments and ensuring that his children know that "yes" is yes and that "no" means no. He should live his life by example as well, not speaking ill of their mother, and living out the guidance he gives his children in his own life.
Being a long distance dad or a part time dad is not easy emotionally, for the father or the child. However, a father will be able to earn the title "dad" if he shows the children that he loves them unconditionally and mean the world to him; if he gives them a warm, comfortable and safe home when they are with him; and if he stands by his word and lives by example.
Kevin Putala - Kevin W. Putala is a student of the martial arts since 1985 and holds black belt ranks in the Korean arts of Tang Soo Do and Tae Kwon Do ...
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